Idle Thoughts

Good Spam — Tue, 25 Oct 2011 20:30:41 BST

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it

I had amnesia once---or twice

I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. Now what?

Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.

All I ask ...

What Mother Taught Me

Good Spam — Sun, 16 Oct 2011 14:12:54 BST

Mum taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE:

"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning!"

Mum taught me RELIGION:

"You'd better pray that will come out of the carpet."

Mum taught me about TIME TRAVEL:

"If you don't straighten up, I'm going ...

Wine Taster

Good Spam — Sun, 16 Oct 2011 14:07:36 BST

At a local winery, the regular taster died, and the director started looking for a new one to hire. A retired Navy fighter pilot, drunk and with a ragged dirty look, came to apply for the position.

The director of the factory wondered how to send him away. They gave ...

Says It All About The Useless EU

Good Spam — Sat, 01 Oct 2011 18:01:41 BST

All you Need to Know about Government Bureaucracy

The following details the number of words in each:

Pythagorean theorem: ............................... 24 words.

Lord's Prayer:......................................................... 66 words.

Archimedes' Principle: ............................ 67 words.

10 Commandments: ............................ 179 words.

Gettysburg address: ........................... 286 words.

US Declaration of Independence : ...... 1,300 words.

US ...

Glorious Insults

Good Spam — Sun, 28 Aug 2011 19:42:57 BST

These glorious insults are from an era before the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words..

A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."
"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."

In Memorium

Good Spam — Sun, 28 Aug 2011 19:26:49 BST

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person,

which almost went unnoticed last week.   Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote The Hokey Cokey, died peacefully at age 93.

The most traumatic part ...

Abbott And Costello

Good Spam — Sun, 28 Aug 2011 19:11:47 BST

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, 'Who's on First?' might have turned out something like this:

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks I'm setting up an office in my den and ...

Who Said Footballers Arent Intelligent

Good Spam — Sun, 21 Nov 2010 14:55:59 GMT

"My parents have always been there for me, ever since I was about 7."
David Beckham

"I would not be bothered if we lost every game as long as we won the League."
Mark Viduka

"Alex Ferguson is the best manager I've ever had at this level. Well, he's the ...

The Xmas Season Begins

Good Spam — Sat, 06 Nov 2010 22:57:42 GMT

3 men died on Christmas Eve and were met by St Peter at the Pearly Gates. "In honour of this holy season" said St Peter "you must each possess something that symbolises Christman to get into Heaven".

The 1st man fumbled in his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it ...

The Darwins Are Out

Good Spam — Sat, 23 Oct 2010 21:10:01 BST

Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us.

Here is the glorious winner:

1. When his 38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach , California would-be robber James ...

The Derivation Of Woman

Good Spam — Sat, 18 Sep 2010 14:09:11 BST

To find a woman you need time and money, therefore:

    Woman = Time x Money

Time is money so:

    Time = Money

Therefore:

    Woman = Money x Money

    Woman = Money ²

Money is the root of all problems, therefore:

    Money = √Problems

Therefore:

   ...

Legendary Quotes On France

Good Spam — Fri, 10 Sep 2010 11:59:15 BST

" rance has neither winter nor summer nor morals. Apart from these drawbacks it is a fine country. France has usually been governed by prostitutes."

Mark Twain

"I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me."

General George S. Patton

...
Puns For The Educated Mind

Good Spam — Thu, 02 Sep 2010 10:34:04 BST
1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
  He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved ...
Brains Of Britain

Good Spam — Thu, 02 Sep 2010 10:30:26 BST

BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)

Jamie Theakston:
Where do you think Cambridge University is?

Contestant:
Geography isn't my strong point.

Jamie Theakston:
There's a clue in the title.

Contestant:
Leicester

LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS )

Alex Trelinski:
What is the capital of Italy ?

Contestant:
France .

Trelinski:

Funny Old Spam

Idle Thoughts

What Mother Taught Me

Wine Taster

Says It All About The Useless EU

All you Need to Know about Government Bureaucracy

Glorious Insults

In Memorium

Abbott And Costello

Who Said Footballers Arent Intelligent

The Xmas Season Begins

The Darwins Are Out

The Derivation Of Woman

Legendary Quotes On France

Puns For The Educated Mind

Brains Of Britain

BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)

LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS )